The Illusion of Victory: How Narcissists Convince Themselves They're Winning—Even When They're Not

There’s something almost theatrical about the way a narcissist responds when you stand up to them. The rage. The twisting of words. The exaggerated conviction that they are the injured party. And most of all—the unshakeable belief that they are winning.

I’ve experienced this recently. The whole performance. The carefully crafted lies, the projection, the veiled (and not-so-veiled) attacks. The expectation that I would cower, apologize, or retreat just to restore their sense of dominance. But here’s the truth: I didn’t. I refused. And nothing enrages a narcissist more than your refusal to play your part in their curated version of reality.

It would be comical—the way they seethe, twitch, spiral—if it weren’t so deeply pathetic. If they weren’t so persistent. If they weren’t so annoyingly determined to remain relevant in a life they were never actually invited into.

The Narcissist’s Game: Control Disguised as Conversation

Let’s be clear: when you confront a narcissist with truth, you are not engaging in a fair conversation. You’re stepping onto a stage they’ve constructed, with a script they’ve written, and the only acceptable outcome is your submission. The moment you deviate—by standing your ground, by speaking plainly, by not grovelling—they see it as war.

Narcissists do not seek resolution. They seek control.

According to the DSM-5, narcissistic personality disorder is defined by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for excessive admiration. But in real-world terms, it often looks like this: an inability to tolerate disagreement, a compulsive need to win—even in situations that have no winner—and a deep, festering insecurity that drives their aggression.

So when you assert yourself, even calmly and rationally, a narcissist doesn’t register it as dialogue. They register it as defiance. And defiance must be punished.

The Fiction They Tell Themselves (and Everyone Else)

Standing up for yourself is, by definition, an act of self-respect. But to a narcissist, it’s an attack. And so they do what they always do: rewrite the narrative.

Suddenly, you’re the unstable one. You’re “lashing out.” You’re “emotional.” You’re “jealous,” “vindictive,” “trying to cause drama.” These are not arguments. These are distortions designed to preserve their image. The narcissist must always be the protagonist, and if they can’t make themselves look good, they’ll settle for an attempt at making you look bad, or feel like others will perceive you as looking bad.

I’ve watched this happen in real time. Fabricated lies delivered with such confidence, I had to remind myself they were, in fact, completely made up. Smear campaigns launched over nothing but imagined slights. Attempts at emotional blackmail that fell flat the moment I refused to react.

The tragedy is not that the narcissist lies. The tragedy is that they believe the lie makes them powerful. That twisting the truth somehow gives them leverage.

But here’s the secret they never want to admit: they only play this game because they’ve already lost.

Why They Have to Believe They’re Winning

When a narcissist tells themselves they’re winning, it isn’t a sign of strength—it’s a psychological survival tactic. Their entire identity is built around superiority and control. To admit defeat, even privately, would shatter the fragile false self they’ve spent a lifetime propping up.

That’s why they’ll twist even your silence into an imagined triumph.

“She’s not responding? She must be embarrassed.”

“He didn’t call me out? He must know I’m right.”

“They walked away? That’s because I got to them.”

Or, in the case of my narcissistic abuser, they twist someone walking away as a boundary they set up and believe their victim is emotionally devastated by.

They frame your boundaries as weakness, your lack of reaction as guilt, and your distance as proof of their dominance. Anything, anything to avoid facing the truth: you are no longer accessible to them.

And that, to a narcissist, is the most devastating loss of all.

The Quiet Power of Disengagement

You will never convince a narcissist they’re wrong. Not really. They’ll perform understanding if it serves them, but they do not change because they do not reflect. The moment you challenge them, you’ve already become the problem in their eyes.

So don’t engage. Don’t try to argue your way to justice or prove your worth through emotional labour. You will lose not because you are wrong, but because the game is rigged.

Instead, preserve your energy. Speak your truth with clarity, then disengage. Hold the line. Protect your peace. Narcissists thrive on chaos—your calm is your protest.

And when they try to convince themselves (and their audience) that you’ve backed down, take comfort in this: they are not thriving. They are flailing. The loudest person in the room is often the most threatened.

You didn’t lose. You simply walked away from a game that was never worth playing.

Final Thoughts: You Can’t Reason with Delusion

The narcissist I dealt with recently has no real power in my life. Their relevance is entirely self-invented. They show up, uninvited, with nothing to offer but hostility and noise, and then expect the world to clap when they declare themselves the winner.

I used to take it personally. I don’t anymore.

Because the truth is this: when you stand up to a narcissist, they will always act like they’re winning. Even if they’re the only one keeping score. Even if they’re shouting into an empty room. Even if they’re spinning in circles, trying to prove a point no one asked for.

Let them.

Because while they’re busy seething over your refusal to cower, you’ll be busy building a life so full of joy, freedom, and integrity, they won’t even recognize it.

And nothing terrifies a narcissist more than being left behind by someone who is finally free.