30 Days of Radical Honesty Journalling Challenge – Day 23: What Do I Know Now That I Didn’t Know Then—And How Has It Changed Me?

I have wasted so much time on things that were never meant for me.

When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I poured years of my life into a relationship I knew, deep down, I didn’t even want. It was messy. It was cyclical. We’d get together and fall apart, over and over, as if the breaking was just part of the routine. And I let it happen. I kept returning, kept softening myself to fit into something I knew didn’t feel right. Because I thought maybe that was all I deserved. Maybe this was the best I could get.

The truth? I was never really interested in him. I was interested in being chosen. I had such low self-esteem that I clung to what seemed attainable, convinced that aiming higher would only end in rejection. I reshaped myself to be easier, quieter, more agreeable—just so I could stay wanted by someone I wasn’t even sure I liked. And worst of all, I gave him so much of my attention. My time. My energy. I wasted entire days worrying about what he thought, where he was, how I could better suit him.

It was such a profound, heartbreaking waste.

And yet… part of me is grateful.

Because I learned something then that I’ve carried with me ever since: I am not built to orbit around anyone else. My attention, my energy, my ambition—these are mine. And I will never again surrender them to someone who doesn’t add value to my life. I’ve never repeated that mistake. I won’t. That lesson stuck.

There is still another part of me that wishes I had never needed that lesson at all. That I could have spent those three years building something meaningful, growing into myself instead of contorting for someone else. That I could have directed all that care inward, rather than scattering it at the feet of someone who never really deserved it.

What I know now is this:

With or without a man—or anything or anyone else—I am okay. More than okay. I am a stable base. A steady root system.

I still wrestle with deep, relentless self-doubt. I probably always will. But even in the midst of that, I’ve built a foundation that doesn’t crumble. I know how to stand on my own two feet. I know who I am. And I know that I am enough.

Now, I’m in a relationship with someone I am completely, utterly in love with. Someone who respects me. Someone who gives me space to grow, to breathe, to work on the things that matter to me. And I think that’s because I stopped pouring all of myself into someone else. I stopped orbiting. I built a life around myself—and that made room for someone who wanted to build a life with me.

That is what I know now. And it has changed everything.

Peace, Love, and Inspiration,
~Britt Wolfe💚