Googling: “How to Make My Personality Less Inconvenient”

Search history, 2:14 a.m.:
“how to be less much”
“how to unspoil your own vibe”
“personality but make it compatible with group settings”
“can I refund my trauma response”

Click.

WikiHow says:
Start by smiling more.
I smile.
Someone calls me fake.
I un-smile.
Back to the drawing board.

Search history, 2:17 a.m.:
“how to stop being chronically apologetic without becoming an asshole”
“apology alternatives that still feel like penance”
“how to say ‘it’s fine’ and mean it”
(subtext: I never mean it)

I am the human equivalent
of clicking “I’m fine”
on a mental health check-in
while lying in the fetal position
on the kitchen floor
eating leftover steak with my hands.

Search history, 2:21 a.m.:
“how to stop monologuing during casual conversations”
“how to read social cues when you’re emotionally nearsighted”
“how to remove foot from mouth while maintaining eye contact”

I do not interrupt,
I just time-travel
to every emotionally loaded story
I’ve ever stored like a backup hard drive
and download it
into silence.

Search history, 2:27 a.m.:
“why does everyone else seem effortlessly chill”
“is there a course for being normal or nah”
“personality patches. do they make those yet?”

A pop-up ad offers me therapy.
Joke’s on them—
I am the therapist now.
(Spoiler: It doesn’t help.)

Search history, 2:33 a.m.:
“how to be cute and mysterious instead of tired and over-explained”
“how to make your emotional depth seem flirty”
“how to stop trauma-dumping when someone asks ‘how are you’”

Answer:
Don’t respond.
Just say “living the dream”
and disappear behind a hedge.

Final search, 2:38 a.m.:
“how to stop Googling how to change your personality”
No results found.
Try again tomorrow.